Collect performance counters while running QTP tests

Following code can be run using QTP and will collect Memory/Processor/disktime and networkinterface counters while testing.
Useful when doing application profiling on your automated tests.
(copy/Paste to editor of choice to see full code)

Dim fso, MyFile
Set fso = CreateObject("Scripting.FileSystemObject")
Set MyFile = fso.CreateTextFile("c:\testfile.txt", True)

strComputer = "."
Set objWMIService = GetObject("winmgmts:" & "{impersonationLevel=impersonate}!\\" & strComputer & "\root\cimv2")
set PerfProcess = objWMIService.Get("Win32_PerfFormattedData_PerfProc_Process.Name='explorer'")
tmp = ""

set objRefresher = CreateObject("WbemScripting.SWbemRefresher")
Set objMemory = objRefresher.AddEnum (objWMIService, "Win32_PerfFormattedData_PerfOS_Memory").objectSet
Set objMemory2 = objRefresher.AddEnum (objWMIService, "Win32_PerfFormattedData_PerfOS_Processor").objectSet
Set objMemory3 = objRefresher.AddEnum (objWMIService, "Win32_PerfFormattedData_PerfDisk_LogicalDisk").objectSet
Set objMemory4 = objRefresher.AddEnum (objWMIService, "Win32_PerfFormattedData_Tcpip_NetworkInterface").objectSet
objRefresher.Refresh
Do
    tmp = Now
    For each intAvailableBytes in objMemory
    if not isnull(intAvailableBytes) then
        tmp = tmp & ";" & intAvailableBytes.AvailableMBytes
    end if
    Next
    For each intProc in objMemory2
    if not isnull(intProc) then
        tmp = tmp & ";" & intProc.PercentProcessorTime
    end if
    Next
    For each intIO in objMemory3
    if not isnull(intIO) then
        tmp = tmp & ";" & intIO.PercentDiskTime
    end if
    Next
    For each intIO in objMemory4
    if not isnull(intIO) then
    tmp = tmp & ";" & intIO.BytesReceivedPersec
    tmp = tmp & ";" & intIO.BytesSentPersec
    tmp = tmp & ";" & intIO.BytesTotalPersec
    end if
    Next
    MyFile.writeLine tmp
    tmp = ""
    objRefresher.Refresh
    wscript.sleep 1000
Loop

Find the last modified file in a directory - vbscript

Function FindLastModified(strDir)
    Set objFSO = CreateObject("Scripting.FileSystemObject")
    Set oFolder = objFSO.GetFolder(strDir)

    Date = CDate("1/1/1950")

    For Each oFile In oFolder.Files
        If oFile.DateLastModified > Date Then
            NewestFile = oFile.Name
            Date = oFile.DateLastModified
        End If
    Next
    FindLastModified = NewestFile
End Function 

Why you Indians never get to date! (and how to fix it!)

At my job we do a lot of off-shoring. As a result we have a lot of Indians running around in the office. You are very nice guys, always smiling, working like a horse being perfect employees and all. But you never seem to get a girl or be in a relationship. I know some of you are actually looking at some of our hot western girls and think 'mmmmmm ... I sure would like to get my hands on one of those'. But ... it never seems to happen!

And you know why? It's so very easy ... because ...

Like you guys reinvented and improved the whole IT business you also reinvented and IMPROVED the whole being a dork lifestyle. Seriously, just now, when everyone had a sigh of relief because our own dorks where finally catching on to the whole dressing thing and being social and all, (man, our own nerds can be seen nowadays in bars and clubs), you come along!

Most of you people look like you just stepped out of the eighties and into the office. I’m really sorry but you’ll never get a girl like that! Ask our homebred dorks, they’ll tell you all about it. So here are some pointers:

1. You can NOT wear dress pants with sports shoes. NO!. Seriously, do not do that. If you wore shoes half in between dress shoes and sports shoes girls could forgive you, but, nooooooo, you are wearing white track shoes, you know Nike air max (yes they still exist!). What? You’re all Olympic 10000 meter runners? Somehow I doubt it. Sports shoes to run, yes! Sports shoes on dress pants! NO! NO! NO! (please)

2. Talking about dress pants, they should be dark in colors, you know brown, black, dark blue. They can not be light blue or even worse, skin color. Where do you guys get those? Really, tell me, where can you actually buy those? The ladies do not like them (understatement). So when you get your next paycheck, go to a shop and buy new pants. But, pleeeaaassseeee, do not pick them yourselves. Go to the shop and ask the lady or gay guy at the counter to dress you. Remember, DO NOT PICK YOUR OWN CLOTHES! However stupid this may sound, you'll pick the exact same clothes you were wearing before, I've seen it happen.

3. LOSE THE MUSTACHE. I know you are probably a hot manly babe magnet with that huge hairy thing in your own country, but over here you are a cop from the eighties. You'll say 'but girls like cops and men in uniform'. Yes they do, but they don't like the eighties and you for one should not talk about uniforms (see point 1 and 2). So, shave, get rid of the whole walrus theme! I know they’re useful for doing the dishes and removing cobwebs at your home, but, just say NO!

4. Talking about hair, there's only so much hair a man can have. You guys have great hair, a lot of hair ... but ... it looks like an elephant took a dump on your head. Girls like a well groomed man! So ... call your local hairdresser (NO! not your local Indian hairdresser, choose another one) make an appointment (Do not forget to mention that you're Indian so that the man can clear his schedule!). Do not ask for something special; just ask him to fix it!

5. So now that you’re a well groomed, smart dressed, face visible sport-shoe-less man, our last step: Be social. You’re really nice people, once we get to know you, but boy, does it take a long time before anyone in the office actually noticed that you are a living breathing human being and not part of company furniture. Talk to people! Most of you look the first weeks as if you’re about to have a stroke or something. Have a chat, have a laugh, your pile of work will not run away you know, it can wait for 5 minutes!

So now you have it all! You’re one lean mean dating machine! Only thing left to do … step up to the hot blonde at the coffee machine and ask her out! And one last thing to give you some extra incentive … it’s true … western girls are really easy !!!

Happy grooming !

And no! There are no special occasions where sports shoes on dress pants are possible! None!

Adding a live progress log to your test automation

Just an example how you can implement a live progress log shown in an IExplore window. Now you can follow your test prgress live on screen!

Proof of concept.

VBScript:

------------------

Set objExplorer = WScript.CreateObject("InternetExplorer.Application")
objExplorer.Navigate "about:blank"
objExplorer.ToolBar = 0
objExplorer.StatusBar = 0
objExplorer.Width=400
objExplorer.Height = 200
objExplorer.Left = 0
objExplorer.Top = 0

Text = "***** Progress Log *****"

Do While (objExplorer.Busy)
Wscript.Sleep 200
Loop

objExplorer.Visible = 1
objExplorer.Document.Body.InnerHTML = Text

For i = 1 to 10
add_log_line "Logline: " & i,1
Wscript.Sleep 200
Next
add_log_line "Done!",1


Wscript.Sleep 10000
objExplorer.Quit

Public Function add_log_line(line,nl)

if nl then
Text = Text & "<BR>" & line & "<BR>"
else
Text = Text & line
end if
objExplorer.Document.Body.InnerHTML = Text

End Function

--------------------

Schedule/execute testset run in Quality Center from Windows (VBScript)

You want to schedule and execute an automated test run every day at a certain hour. You need your results saved in QC. Here's a simple solution for scheduling by using following script in the windows scheduler.

-----------------
VBScript:

Dim QCConnectionSet
QCConnection = CreateObject("TDApiOle80.TDConnection")

QCConnection.InitConnectionEx "server_address" ' <--------------- Fill in server addressQCConnection.login "user", "pwd" '<------------------- FILL in user/pwd

QCConnection.Connect "domain_name", "project_name" '<----------- FILL Domain/Project

Set TSetFact = QCConnection.TestSetFactory
Set tsTreeMgr = QCConnection.TestSetTreeManager
nPath = "Root\test" '<------------- FILL IN PATH TO TESTSET

Set tsFolder = tsTreeMgr.NodeByPath(nPath)
If tsFolder Is Nothing Then
msgbox "error"

End If

Set tsList = tsFolder.FindTestSets("name_of testset") '<------- FILL IN NAME OF TESTSET
If tsList.Count > 1 Then
MsgBox "FindTestSets found more than one test set: refine search"
ElseIf tsList.Count <>
MsgBox "FindTestSets: test set not found"
End If

Set theTestSet = tsList.Item(1)
Set Scheduler = theTestSet.StartExecution("")
Scheduler.RunAllLocally = True
Scheduler.HostTimeOut = 100000
Scheduler.runSet execStatus = Scheduler.ExecutionStatus

RunFinished = False
while RunFinished = False
execStatus.RefreshExecStatusInfo "all", True
RunFinished = execStatus.Finished

wend

QCConnection.Disconnect
QCConnection.Logout
Set QCConnection = Nothing

---------------

Very crude! but it does the job! You just need an existing testset, the script will execute it at any time you want using your windows scheduler.
I'm sorry for the absolute lack of comments, but you're smart, you can figure it out. :)

Accessing IExplore from VBScript

So you want to access a Iexplore window that's already opened and on the desktop. Here's some sample code (VBScript):

This code will give a msgbox showing the URL for every open IExplore window.

----------

Set objShell = CreateObject("Shell.Application")
Set IEWindows = objShell.Windows

Dim IEWindow()
ReDim IEWindow(IEWindows.Count)
Dim i
msgbox IEWindows.Count

For i = 1 To IEWindows.Count

Set IEWindow(i) = IEWindows.Item(i - 1)

Next

For i = 1 To UBound(IEWindow)

msgbox IEWindow(i).LocationURL

Next

----------

Now you know how to connect to a IExplore window you can access all controls inside by programming the DOM (Document object model). It's a fairly easy model, look it up, google is your friend! :)

LoadRunner - Putting a double/float into a parameter

It took me two hours to figure it out, so I might as well share with the world. To put a 'double' or 'float' value in a new defined parameter in Loadrunner use following code:

---------

float nr;
nr = 0.01;
char strNr[4];
sprintf( strNr, "%1.2f", nr );
lr_save_string( strNr, "param_nr" );
lr_output_message("We are on nr #%s", lr_eval_string("{param_nr}"));

----------

output should be: We are on nr 0.01

PS: conversions to string from other datatypes are hell in C. (just venting)

The typical track record for test automation

I've been in a couple of companies that have some experience in test automation, and below in very short sentences I'll show you their typical track record.

They,

1. Hear about test automation
2. Think: Holy Grail !!
3. Call test tools sales people
4. Listen to sales
5. Believe sales (who doesn't?)
6. Only remember 'record/playback'
7. Go to management
8. Make them cum in their pants talking about ROI and total automated test coverage usable by business people
9. Hire cheapest junior test engineer in the universe
10. Tell him to automate everything (Don't forget to tell him about record/playback off course)
11. wait 6 months
12. See automation in action and feel like God
13. Wait for new release
14. Notice that the tests do not work anymore
15. Discover maintenance
16. Call test tools sales people again
17. Yell at them for not mentioning maintenance
18. Estimate size of maintenance
19. Stay at home with depression for six weeks
20. Come back to work
21. Throw out automated test suite
22. Get yelled at by management for not delivering on promises
23. Do research
24. Discover: stability of UAT, GUI dependency, Data control, suitable test cases, ...
25. Discover framework
26. Start over
27. Hire senior test automater
28. Make a plan of attack
29. Make a test framework
30. Start with most suitable test cases
31. improve framework
32. Maintain framework for new versions
33. Have a maintainable, usefull test suitethat's beneficial for your company!! woohoo!

You would think that it's easy to skip the first 22 steps, but one way or another you see it again and again. There's a million whitepapers on the net about test automation, please look them up. It will save you money (lots) and headache (even more).

Happy automating!!

5 reasons why John Rambo would make a good test engineer

(and 5 why he wouldn't)

John Rambo would make an excellent test engineer. Here's why:

1. If the sytem has one more flaw left, Rambo would find it, exploit it, and tear the whole system appart. Not only the sytem, probably the whole computer room and the building with it (managers and developers included). Rambo tests until there's nothing to test anymore.

2. Being in forest and swamps all of his life, the man is not afraid of bugs, he probably eats them for breakfast. He doesn't see annoyance, he sees high energy snacks. Bugs rivitalize him. And not only those easy to find functional bugs, no, you know those pesky little memory leaks. Ha!, when Rambo looks at his screen these memory leaks would ask for a defect tracker account and report themselves!!

3. Performance testing. That's a no brainer, the man is his own virtual army. He embodies at least a million virtual users. If Rambo, presses 'enter' after filling in his URL bar in firefox, all major internet DNS servers go down and the google headquarters explode. The whole internet would vaporize under the load he would generate (and that's when he's pressing enter with his 'pinky')

4. Test automation. Did you see how he shot that helicopter in Rambo II. come on doesn't that say enough, this walking machine of death uses tools like no-one used them before. This guy could automate your regression suite by writing down "test automation tool" on a piece of paper and waving with it. Your regression suite could run every testcase made since the big bang.

5. Deadlines. You can put your deadlines anywhere you want, Rambo will save the day. 'Failure' is just not an option. According to him, it is not even a word. (it must be noted however, that there are multiple words that Rambo apparently has not heard about, but this not an issue here)

So far an excellent test engineer ... but then again .... here's why things could get ugly:

6. Rambo does not do process. He has lost his TMap somwhere in the jungle (or tossed it away, he doesn't quite remember), he doesn't do V-model, he is the original (upper body) V-model, the alpha and omega of software testing. Any use of process would just cramp his style of exploratory testing and plain tearing stuff appart.

7. Rambo does not report defects. As there is no software flawless, while reporting a defect, Rambo would find a bug in the defect tracker, exploit, an tear the whole .... you know what I mean, see point 1 if you don't remember. Rambo would actually have to be forbidden of touching the defect tracker.

8. There would be nothing left to fix. After Rambo is done testing, well, ..., that's it. There would be no fixing of found bugs or finetuning of performance, there would only be 'aftermath', there would be an emergency UN meeting, and some memorial somewhere but there would not be any bug fixing.

9. Social skills. Ok, seriously, the man has the social skills of a bucket of carrots. He would get in arguments with developers and bussiness people about 5 minutes into the job. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that he'll probably kill them all, which would probably fall bad with the stock holders.

10. Rambo does not like a desk job!!

Would he be an excellent test engineer or not? I'm undecided, if anyone knows the fact that would tip the scale one way or the other, let me know!!

How to become a test professional

So you want to be a test professional? Here’s my become a test professional in 1 month recipe.

Ingredients:
- One college educated applicant
- Computer/IT mindedness (IT education not really important)
- Analytical skills
- Communication skills
- A little cash

Recipe:

So you have a higher education, want to do something in IT because you are IT minded but don’t really have a degree in IT. No problem, you could be the perfect functional test engineer.

Functional test engineers are somewhere in between business people and technical people. Your job is to verify technical systems versus technical and business needs. So what’s important when doing this job. Analytical skills, ability to use technical products en very good communication skills because you will be talking to both ends of a very wide spectrum.

Step 1. Make sure you really want to do this. Make up your mind!

Step 2. Learning the skills:
- Go to the bookstore and buy:

One book about TMap – Tmap is the main test process used in the world, all other test processes are essentially rehashes of TMap. In this you’ll find the extremely important concept of the V-Model. Read it – Learn it. It should take you about a week, it’s not terribly difficult.

One book about SQL. The standard query language for databases. You want to access a DB directly? You’ll need SQL. Nobody in IT can do without. It’s not difficult so three days should be enough to learn it.

One book about UML (unified modeling language – a method of analysis for applications, it’s not the only one, but it’s an important one) - 1 week

- Goto: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Software_testing - Read it! - 3 hours

- Learn about:

Test Techniques: ways to make test cases. Not used very often, but you will be asked about them. Make some execises. They are more difficult to do then to explain! 1 day

Testing Tools: Read up on testing tools, especially test and defect trackers.
If you have the opportunity to actually install and use a test tracker or or test tool, do so! Read up on automation and performance tools (not your biggest concern right now, but you need to know about them) – 2 days
(tip: Mercury/HP has about 80% of the market when it concerns test tooling so start there – Quality Center/Quick Test Pro/Loadrunner)

- If you have the cash get certified:

Look into ISEB (http://www.bcs.org/server.php?show=nav.6942) or
ISTQB (http://www.istqb.org/).

Don’t be afraid of certification, you basically have to be a retard to fail at these exams. If you study for 4 or 5 days, there’s no way you can fail this and it improves your chances of finding a job greatly.

Step 3: Put your resumé online, apply for some jobs, go for an interview and get a job!

If You can talk about all these subjects and understand them, there is no way that you can’t find a job as junior test engineer!

Happy cooking!!

Test automation for terminal emulators

This is an article for beginning Quick Test Pro users. Quick Test Pro is a test automation tool from HP (former mercury). It is sold as a record/playback tool for making test cases. I’ll describe how to automate terminal based applications. Why? Because there’s a good way and a bad way. The problem is you’ll only discover exactly how bad the bad way is after you see the good way. So if no senior automation engineers are present there’s a very good change you’ll be going the bad direction.

Forget record and playback. I’ll repeat: FORGET RECORD AND PLAYBACK. But you’ll say: “but it is working for me!”. Well yes, it is, in the beginning. Standard use of QTP works by using a repository in which a objects in your AUT (application under test) are stored, so that when replaying QTP can access them. The problem is not making the tests. It will work perfectly, but the problem lies in maintaining the tests. Most beginning engineers will have a script for each terminal emulator screen and a central repository (I do hope you’re using a central repository, otherwise you can look forward to a full-time job in test maintenance.) and a datasheet (excel).
Now here’s the problem: when a field is added to a screen, you’ll have to update the repository, the script for this particular screen and the datasheet. So you’ll need to uses the application, QTP and excel. Sounds like a lot of work? Well it is!

So what can we do? The good thing about terminal emulators is the fact that objects are very clearly and easily defined. So would it be nice if we could skip the whole repository, skip the ‘one script per screen’ and be able to customize our complete flow and screen setup from within excel. Wouldn’t that mean we could have business users write the tests? Yes it would! J

How? Make a terminal emulator framework in QTP! The explanation below is a very very very basic flow of how we could do this, but it will give you an idea:

** Make an excel sheet. Make 1 tab that will contain the flow, make one more for each screen in your application. In the first tab, have a test case on each row, so make each row a series of screens (each column is a screen). On the other tabs (screens) each row contains the data for the fields on that screen related the the row of your flow, the names of the columns are the field names of the screen in your UAT.

Tab 1 – row 1: screen1 screen2 screen3
Tab 2 (name=screen1) – row1: dataforfield1 dataforfield2 dataforfield3

** Now where going to make a driver script in QTP. In it’s most basic form it’ll do this:

Loop1 – loop every row on tab 1 (every test case)
Loop2 – loop every column on tab 1 (every screen)
Goto the right tab
Loop3 – loop every column on the screen tab (field in AUT)
Find the field in the application
Fill in the field
Submit
(check reply)
End loop3
End loop2
End loop1

** How are we going to make the driver script in QTP? Descriptive programming!! Descriptive programming is not nearly used enough in QTP. For Terminal emulators it’s perfect. With descriptive programming there’s no need for a repository anymore, you can access any object from within the script. A little example syntax:

TestObject("PropertyName1:=PropertyValue1", "..." , "PropertyNameX:=PropertyValueX")

Look it up in the help file if you’ve never heard of it. It’ll change your life. The important thing is to keep your PropertyValues out of your script and into your datasheet (for example as the names of the columns on your screen tabs).

So that’s about it. Implement the loops, add some checking code and error handling and there you have it: your automated solution in 500 lines of code or less for terminal emulators that’s practically maintenance free and can be updated by adding data,tabs and columns in an excel sheet.
I’d say have a go at it, a very basic test could be easily implemented in a day, a full blow 1000 testcase suite in a week.

Virtualized Test lab

Virtualization in IT is big big business, but for some reason virtualization is still very little known when it comes to testing. At the clients I’ve been in my career, only one used virtualization in the test environment and it was best described as a first step. Some observations about virtualizing in test environments:

- Virtual test data

Every test professional knows the problem with test-data. There’s a test database which is very nice after the first set-up, but over some months or years it gets to be a real garbage can of good data, bad data, corrupt data, …, you know what I’m talking about. So .. make it virtual. Make it so that your updates are non persistent. If you reboot the machine it will be back in it’s original state. Now you’ll probably say, “but we need to create new test data that’s persistent for our new tests”. Off course you need to do that. So here’s how you do it. Make two test databases. One that allows persistent updates and one virtual that doesn’t. when you need to create persistent test data, connect to the first, and add your data. Schedule a job at night that makes a non persistent virtual DB from this DB and the next day you’ll have your VM up and running with your new data, do all your dirty test work on this one, if you screw up, restart and voila, you’re all set to go again.

- Virtualize the complete test lab.

You need to test your applications on a whole array of setups? You have a whole room of PC’s that’s hardly ever used? Virtual machines are your answer. Make one for every setup that you can imagine. Dump them on a fileserver and your test lab is ready to go. Your test engineers enter the office choose their machine of choice and are happily burning test cases in no time. No more hardware that’s hardly used at all. You can make them persisten, non persistent, anything you want, it will save a lot of setup time.

-Performance testing

Do not use virtualization when doing performance tests. Although the technology is getting really mature, there will always be a performance penalty. And even if there’s almost none, prediction of scaling in an production environment will be quite impossible

So in short: When hearing 'test lab' or 'test environment', consider virtual machines, it won’t always be possible but test labs are made for this technology.

Communication at multi-lingual companies

I work at a tri-lingual company right now. Everyday there’s a mix of Dutch, French and English to be heard here. Needless to say, there’s a lot of confusion about how to actually have a conversation, write an e-mail or conduct a meeting. So after living in a tri-lingual country all my life and working at companies where there’s often as much as 4 languages spoken, I think I can give some general guidelines for communicating.

Verbal communication.

When meeting somebody new. Introduce yourself in your own language, he will likely do the same. If you speak the same language you’re all set to go (mostly accompanied by a mutual sigh of relief and happy smile).
If both speak a different language but you both understand each other, each should speak his own. I speak Dutch but I understand French (and speak it also), so I’ll speak Dutch while the person I’m talking to can speak French.
If one of the two does not understand the other, he or she should politely ask the other to speak in his language. If this is not possible a middle ground should be found, which is, in most cases, a third language. I say a third language but I could just as well say English.
The exception to the rule above would be talking to somebody higher in hierarchy where you’ll try to speak his language. If you fail miserably he’ll probably switch to yours but at least you’ve tried.

Written communication

If you start the communication, write in your own language, if the reply comes in your own language everybody is happy and the communication can continue. If the reply come back in his/her language just continue switching languages. If the reply comes in a third language (mostly English) continue in English.
Except when you’re initiating a communication with a group, start in the third language so nobody starts complaining. Again when communicating with somebody higher in hierarchy try to use his/her language. Easy huh!
When writing company wide documents, there will usually be a company policy, so that’s easy, just use the policy.

Meetings

When starting to talk to a group of people, just ask what languages they speak. In reality a third language will be mostly be used (in my case English). An exception seen a lot is when senior managers speak to the employees. In that case they mostly use a mix between the two main languages (in my case Dutch and French) which is quite funny to hear. They start with five sentences in Dutch, switch to French for the next five and so on. It’s strange to hear (because the message is not repeated in both languages!) but it is extremely difficult to do.

So these are my ideas about communicating in multi-lingual companies. Don’t know if it’s of any use to anybody because you need to live in a country as Belgium to have this kind of situation, but if you find yourself in a situation like this, be careful about communication as it can cause great problems and tension when done wrong.

Knowing what you’re worth

Try to find a new job every year. Yes, you read it right, try to find a new job every year. Let me clarify. I’m not saying change jobs every year (that would be a very bad idea actually), but see if you can find a new job.
This helped me a lot in my career. Even if you’re very happy in your current job, try to find a new one. Put your resume online or send it to a couple of companies and see what happens. The advantages of doing so are:

- You should be able to find another job in one month. If no company reacts, something is wrong. Maybe your skill set is not what it used to be, maybe the sector you’re working in is not doing so well. So if there’s no reaction, try to find out why, so you can act on it, so you can focus your efforts in the right direction.

- Know what you’re worth. Maybe you’re very happy with your salary, but then again maybe you very underpaid and you just don’t know it. By looking for another job you can get an idea of the salary you should be given.

- It boosts your self esteem and sense of security if you know you can find another job without too much hassle. It’s good to know that you can walk away if you should.

- Your resume stays up to date and your interview skills stay sharp.

But remember never walk away from a job too soon. Stay until your work is finished. Nobody likes a job-hopper. Just keep track of your possibilities!

Stay safe and work hard!

PP

How to get the girl when partying

A lot of people come complaining to me lately about not having a girlfriend, not having sex, …, just the old plain and simple ‘not getting the girl’. Mostly they have thought the issue over and have come to some sort of conclusion why this is the case. The reasons most heard are: I’m not good looking enough, I’m not social enough, etc … But you see I’m not so good looking and some of my friends are butt-ugly and we seem to do OK. So I started paying attention to how my friends got the girls when partying, and here are my conclusions.

- First GET OUT OF YOUR APPARTMENT. You would think this is a no-brainer, but half of the complainers don’t leave the house. Unless you want to date your old cleaning lady or the gay landlord, it is vital that you leave the house. If you are not planning on doing this stop reading now.

- So you gathered your friends, left your house and went to the party. You’re all set to go. If you think you look uglier then your dog you probably are. But …. looks are not important. No, let’s rephrase that, looks are not important as long as you don’t look like you live in a cardboard box under a bridge. So take a shower, dress to impress without overdoing (don’t wear a suit, when you’re not used to, you’ll just look like an ass) and pleeaaasssseeeee do not where dumb-ass slogan T-shirts (you know: ‘the impregnator’ – ‘I’m with stupid’ - J ). You might do that when you’re 16, if you’re older you might as well put ‘stay away from me”’ on your T.

- So far so good. Now have fun. You’re going out to have fun, not to find girls. If you’re going out to find girls, you’ll not get any. You go out to have fun. Period.
If you’re looking like you’re having a great time, you will attract people. So have a drink, dance, have a laugh … it is a party after all.

- Ok, now for something really important. It will sound a bit strange but especially teens do not get this part. Are you ready? I’ll write it in capitals. Are you really ready? Because this is the BIG secret. Here it comes: TALK TO PEOPLE. So don’t stand around with your mates looking all dorky, but mingle. You’ll be surprised how many people actually want to talk back. Just do it casually, don’t go looking all ‘I really want sex today’. So you see the hot girl of your choice, now go to her and talk.

- Owkay, you’re half way there. But now most guys fail miserably, because the next step is equally important. After talking for awhile, let’s say 10 minutes, BACK OFF. Go back to your friends, have a drink, have some fun. But for god’s sake back off. If you don’t she’ll think that you’re a loser with nothing else to do. But … make sure that see can see you having great fun with your great friends while you are away. This will make her want to know more about you.

- So after awhile go back to her. If she’s the least bit interested she’ll be more interested now, because she knows that you can walk away at any time (that’s apparently how women work). So now is the time to really start talking. Pay attention to what she is saying, and make sure she knows that you’re listening by using things she said when talking but more important, look at her body language. Is she facing you, touching you, looking in your eyes when speaking, … in short: Are you feeling a good vibe?

- If so, you could start thinking about kissing her. And you know what? No tips there, here you’re on your own. You’ll know when you can, and you’ll notice when you can’t. :)

- So in short: Go out, have fun, talk, back off, talk again, kiss … rinse … repeat … it really is that simple.

10 reasons you (and I) might be stupid !

1. You are a right winger
You could live anywhere on the world, but you’re probably white. You think the world is a shitty place and everyone is out to get you. Because of this you hate changes. I mean, you can see that the world is not OK but in order for it to become OK, there would need to be changes and changes are BAD. You believe in the ‘everybody can make it’ meme, and preach as such, but hey, it just didn’t work for you. Foreigners are bad, because they steal your job. The fact that they could be smarter then you and better at your job is not worth considering because the are foreigners. You are just stupid.
2. You are a left winger
You are the opposite of the former. You like change and progress. You like to work really hard in order to be able to distribute your earnings to unemployed good for nothing basement living bums. You call your run-down used to be good living neighborhood ‘multicultural’ and are proud of all your foreign ‘friends’ who you gladly give cigarettes when they stop you for a ‘friendly’ talk at night. You are just stupid.
3. You are neutral
Yes you are neutral, you don’t really have an opinion and get along with everybody. You call this a good trait, while essentially the only thing you do is not dying. The good thing: corporations like you as you are essentially a robot, the media like you because you are a gullible sucker and politicians like you because you can be bought. In all, your biggest talent is converting bread into shit, and you’re damn proud of it. You are just stupid.
4. You are part of religious organization
You probably live your life according to a rule set made for people a couple of thousand years ago living in a place geographically and culturally completely different then yours. You actually give money to be allowed to live like that. All other religions are wrong, yes sir, they are. You are going to heaven and all others go to hell (or similar shitty place). You point out minor unproven facts about scientific theories to prove that said theories are wrong, and then devise an elaborate fantasy using as ‘proof’ some 3000 year old blog found in some dessert. You are just stupid.
5. You are just stupid
Yes, it’s a fact, you could just be stupid. I mean my “my father’s cousin is my mother’s father” kind of stupid. But hey that’s ok, it’s not your fault. Sure you can’t spell or do math or remember your own name. But you’re probably happy and not complaining all the time. Your back yard is your world and your labor is appreciated. All in all it’s probably the best kind of stupid that exists. But, still, you are stupid.
6. You are in ‘middle management’
Oh man, now we are talking ‘real stupid’. You are blinded by the term ‘manager’, you feel important now that you’re in ‘management’. You really don’t realize that you’re a glorified secretary. There’s a good chance your where given that position because you just weren’t so good at what you were doing before. Now, you’re essentially doing the administration for the people below you and the people above you. You get paid a little more but are essentially oblivious to the fact that the extra work you do for that little extra money is insane. And, news flash, the chance of actually getting into upper management are pretty close to zero. So you’ll probably be doing this until you retire or die. You are just stupid.
7. You use statistics and ‘proof’ when discussing
You think you know everything because you watch a lot of television. You believe everything you see or read because it’s from a ‘respected’ source. You recite numbers you heard without even knowing where they came from. The scientific method is something that doesn’t ring a bell but you talk like you have a PhD in everything. Most important: you never ever ever check your facts. Television and newspapers are God, and you annoy the fuck out of people. You are just stupid.
8. You drink vodka-red-bull when going out
Ah this is a great one. All you talk about is the fact that you don’t earn enough money and are living from pay-check to pay-check. While doing this you stand around with your friends in a dumb-ass club drinking vodka-red-bull at 7 euros (10 dollars) a pop. You’re drinking stuff that is more expensive then space shuttle fuel, the only advantage over being stupid is that it also makes you an aggressive drunk bastard. So you are not just stupid, you are an aggressive stupid drunk bastard. (but hey, if it makes you feel any better, sometimes I am one of those)
9. You are an environmentalist
Yes we have a climate problem. As a matter of fact the topic is so hot, that it’s hip to try to do something about it. So you try to help, you shouldn’t bother, but hey you do it anyway. You save on gas, electricity, drive your bike sometimes, but essentially you don’t grasp the problem. They only way that you can help is by burning your money. But because you are stupid, you are going to spend all that saved money and are probably buying things that cost more energy to produce then you would have spent by heating your house. Think about it, if you’re not going to burn your savings, you might as well do nothing at all. You need to see the bigger picture, but you don’t, so, …, you are just stupid.
10. You are anything else
These things above are just 9 of the top of my head. But you know, we are all stupid. Nobody knows what they are doing, we all think we are right, but we’re not, we’re all just plain stupid. So the only way of making the world a better place to live is admit that we’re stupid and start working together as a collective mind. But is that going to happen, no, we’re just to stupid to do that!